accomplishment, success, achievement – what is this?

recently married and back from our honeymoon, we arrived to a house filled with family.

both our folks had come to love our furry crew (feed, walk, scoop, cuddle).  with 2 cats & 2 dogs who have a meal time that is eventful, they do better with family than a pet sitter if we go away for more than a few days.  in addition, my folks drove out with their 15 year old pup.

forever grateful to have family that can & is willing to give this sort of love.

Image

(taken by my father of my mom, one of our dogs on the left, their dog on the right)

it’s been a few days since they all left to head to their respective homes (east & west).  my new husband headed out with his folks for a few days to get some things done for us at their house.

ever since i can remember i’ve almost always had a project of some sort to work on.  a goal to accomplish.  in the last few years i have found all my work to accomplish these goals would leave me less time to spend doing other things i wanted to do, because i had to “finish” this or that.  the most recent projects were putting on a marathon and helping plan our wedding.  while i would often enjoy parts of these things, there was often a stress underlying because of a deadline.

once i get this done, then i can relax.

and yet there was always one more thing to “get done”.  there was a short time when i tried to do it all.  i’d just say yes to almost any offer to do something my friend would come up with, regardless of my “to do” list.  this left me with late nights and little sleep, feeling pulled in all directions.

as with many things, yes, it comes down to a balancing act.  it also comes down to realizing what truly, deep down, is meaningful to your soul.  some of the outings with friends was more for a need to feel included, wanting to please people, or worried about “missing out”.  some of the more recent need to “get things done” is my need to feel worthwhile, accomplished, and do a good job at whatever i’m doing.

when it was me alone with the furry crew, and lack of projects, part of me felt useless.  another part of me felt great.  i had time to walk, bike with & give love to the crew without feeling like i should be somewhere else or doing something else.

my love-eh-ly hubby & i are trying to start a family.  this is part of the reason i want to be project free as i hope to be an at-home mom, at least until they/s/he are old enough for school.

i was looking at something and came across this fantastic blog – the science of mom.  i started reading some of her past entries about all sorts of things i have to look forward to.  one of them (stay at home mom angst) inspired me to write this post.  my dilemma is different than hers, and yet similar.  it helped me to see this recent obstacle.

while i realize my furry crew is far from a baby, they are the closest i have had.  their happiness means a great deal to me.  for many this may seem silly.  my feline friends were with me when i first moved to NYC (from MD) and was still somewhat inept at making new friends,.  my parents sometimes make fun of how well we treat our furry friends (mostly my dad).  at the same time i enjoy seeing how they too love the crew.

so, while our curry crew may be a few steps different from having a child, the post hit home for me.   the continuous balancing act of “achievement” that our media pushes saying it leads to “happiness” and “success” vs that true happiness in our soul.  happiness from walking in a beautiful landscape,  finally conquering that meal you have tried to make a few times before, or a friends face when you surprise them with a visit across the country.

this is not to say achieving or accomplishing something is bad  – it is where the basis for the achievement or accomplishment comes from.  are you doing it because you feel you are supposed toor are you doing it because you want to and something in you feels the desire to do so?

in some form or another you may have heard the concept – in 10, 20, 30 years from now – will you regret having skipped out on that extra assignment at work with the big bonus?  or will you regret the weekend hiking trip you missed with your best friend for her 30th birthday (of course supposing you enjoy hiking)?

the sun is out and i am going to take my younger pup for a bike ride followed by snagging our older pup (12+) for a short walk.

enjoy a view from our honeymoon.  i  hope there is at least1 thing today that makes you smile, laugh, or both.

honeymoon

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Having a kid breaks you. And you’re stronger for the broken places.
- gluten free girl & the chef

i’m engaged.  our plans are a little rushed – proposal august 2012 marriage planned in march 2013.  *knock knock*

the reason for the “rush” may seem silly to some.  i’m ready for sharing our life in a way that only a child can expand it.  i can only grasp the edges of what it will be like for that enormous, crazy, and wonderful change – in us, our dynamic, growing our family.

i think he is ready – he wants to be.

every so often my brain says”worry” and for a minute or two (or sometimes more) i do.  then i breathe and remember the tiny glimpses of what i have felt for just the idea of little feet and hands and their gurgles and other sounds, and soft skin, and that baby smell.  he will be present once she/he/they (possibility of twins for me) arrive.  it’s not a choice we make, as a parent it just is.

much more to say and yet nothing else to say.

wouldn’t it be wonderful if the world were as varied as this?  (or more)

time for me step away from the familiar computer and head out enjoy my mini-vacation.

smile – it suits you.

goodness and wishes

last night i began a book called Made For Goodness written by Desmond Tutu and his daughter Mpho Tutu.

“We are fundamentally good. When you come to think of it, that’s who we are at our core.
Why else do we get so outraged by wrong? When we hear of any egregious act, we are appalled.
Isn’t that an incredible assertion about us?”

i like this.  i bought the book a bit back when i came across the ubuntu quote.  after trying to find the exact quote i had read quite a bit about mr. Tutu and his speeches and philosophies and wanted something more.  so far – and i say this very tentatively only being in chapter 2 – he has lived up to all i had read.

for the few readers who stop by, i do realize it has been more than my usual month between writings.  life suddenly became busy – in a good way.  the saying “be careful what you ask for, you might get it” lately i’ve been blessed with many wishes coming true – sometimes just how i ask, other times in a round-a-bout way.

it’s all about learning to read that silver lining.  a quick example.  my boyfriend is now my fiance.  i often push him into decisions and was worried his asking might be from me pushing.  i wanted to know for sure that he asked because he wanted to.

move forward a few weeks when i am flying out to see if i like our ceremony location (it is closer to his grandmother as she would have trouble flying).  he and i had gotten up very early in the morning so i could get in my last long training run.  many hours (and miles) later i am iced, showered, dressed and headed to the airport.

i space cadetted and had the flight time in my head as the time i needed to be at the airport.  big oops.  my airport is small and you can push timeframe a little bit – not within 5 minutes of flight time.

by 9pm he has headed to the airport to pick me up and then drive me 2+ hours (plus our 40 minute drive home) plus a 30 minute drive in the morning (after 4ish hours sleep).  all this so i might be able to catch the 6am flight.  he was willing to do all this – even offered (my other option was renting a car and driving 6 hours) and did so very gracefully.  (for all who know my fiance he can definitely be grumpy – especially early am or lack of sleep or lack of food).

i was suddenly doubt free of his feelings for me.  i said thank you to the universe for clarity.

i also made note to be very clear on how my questions are asked (ie leaving future flights out of answers)

below is from his proposal

and on the subject of goodness – check out this awesome organization

the empowerment plan

they make coats for homeless – free – and provide jobs as well.  started by a student (i believe she’s still a student).
people continually inspire me 🙂


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